Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Words Woman Use!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever:Is a woman's way of sayinga bad word to you!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.




* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they canavoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

The "Thousand Meter Shitter"

Once upon a time, I was a young army lieutenant attached to an artillery battalion. We often found ourselves out in the woods for weeks performing endless training exercises with the cannons. (Our motto: shoot, move, communicate!) We moved around a lot! One or our favorite firing points was in a huge, sprawling meadow bordered by pine trees. For reasons, which I've never been able to figure out, the army, in its infinite wisdom, installed a massive cinder-block latrine in the middle of the meadow. It must have been 50 feet long and could accommodated 30-40 troops at a time....all this out in the middle of nowhere.

We typically installed the cannons against the tree line and would fire over this latrine to the impact area miles away. Many times during the day, a 'cease fire' would be called and all eyes would turn to see some lonely soldier, toilet paper in hand, making the long, hard trip across the distance to the latrine, usually with clenched buttocks. In short time, the latrine affectionately came to be known as the "thousand meter shitter".

At dusk one evening it was my turn to make the trek. The guns went silent and off I went, weapon, rucksack, and t-paper in hand. The 'facilities' consisted of 4 platforms covered with plywood out of which jagged holes had been cut with a saw. The holes were just smaller than your ass (so you wouldn't fall through) and positioned so that if every hole were occupied, the soldiers would literally be sitting "cheek-to-cheek". And did I mention the smell? Bad. Really fucking bad.

Anyway, no sooner had I 'dropped trou' when I heard the door slam and saw boots rounding the corner. Up stepped this grizzly, old noncom. He must have been about 60 years old. Out of all the open holes in the latrine to select from, where does he choose to park his ass? Right next to mine, of course. He dropped his fatigues to the floor and the next thing I know his hoary, gnarly, hairy arse is rubbing up against my thigh.

Being young and shy, I immediately forgot all about taking a dump. In fact, you wouldn't have been able to insert a sewing needle through my sphincter.

"How you doin' LT?", he grumbled. He then proceeded to light a smoke and get down to business. Let me tell you, I feel uncomfortable having a conversation while I'm shitting even if the other party is on the other side of a locked bathroom door. It was excruciating! And he wouldn't shut up, either. I didn't want to be rude, so I just kept my mouth shut and nodded a lot hoping he'd finish and toddle off.

Suddenly, in the middle of a sentence, his faced screwed up and turned red. He lifted a cheek, and I could sense he was about to punch out some ungodly, fetid turd. Then, his face relaxed. But, he held up his hand as if to say "shush...wait". About 5 seconds later we both heard the huge 'KER-SPLASH' of that monster hitting the viscous goo some 50 feet below. A big smile lit up his face. That was it for me. I hoisted my battle skivvies and without another word shot out of that stank hole and sprinted back to the battery area.

I guess I'm a big homo. I turned in my papers and resigned my commission 2 months later.